Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Let it be...
Have you ever had that feeling, a feeling of heartfelt desire, and a feeling that you are losing some thing? I'm not talking bout death here mind you, its bout losing someone dear to you, some one you really want to be with. I have had incidents as such described but then I'm not going to the details as it will bore you. So the point is, have you been in the shoe where giving up is the best option you had? I know giving up is not a good word, but I guess it fits the idea.Let's put it in this way, this someone that you absolutely want to cuddle and hold on to forever, suddenly tells you that it's not gonna work out. Your partner wants to bail out. What do you do? Normally I guess you'd just start choking your partner to death while asking them to explain, but whey, if you're choking them how can they explain? You're killing them? killing them!!! No, I mean seriously, don't you think you deserve an explanation? Whether they have been out fooling around, they met someone new/better, they are not interested in the opposite sex, or even you're just a rebound, a toy!Ok that was a bit overrated so back to my somewhat pathetic brain. I mean to have someone telling you that there is no future between you and your partner is actually a step forward. Be it your suggestion or theirs, it shows someone is looking at the future and sees things beyond the current situation of bread and water for life. However, this kinda situation demands an answer, if not the aftermath is devastating as it leave the person in a state of denial. It goes the same to 2 persons who could not be together because of reasons not of their own. And believe me, if you know u cannot be with some one coz of some reason not related to you, the feeling is devastating. You feel the work crashing down and every darn thing in this planet is against you.
How do you get over such emotions and situations? I know a lot of people will come and say, let it be, let by gone be by gone, and other stuff like that, but is it really what should happen. I know letting go and move on is the ultimate answer, but how do we do it. And if we claim that we have done it, have we really lift the burden off our shoulders? How do you know that you have actually gotten over some one or something? I believe that when you still hold something inside your heart, be it love, hatred or revenge, then you have not gotten over anything but instead you have build up a dark room in you heart for this particular someone.If you were to lift the burden, you would not have a string of hatred or thoughts of revenge or even cupids arrow of love. You would just treat the person like a newfound friend. But how many of us can do it? Can you do it? Can you let go and wash all your love, hatred or revenge down the drain and into the ocean? You tell me, and if you are able to do it, then tell me how.I have been trying for years and been telling myself I should and I will get over it, but in the end, I found out that I still have not been able to do it. Yes, the feelings has definitely subsided, I mean it has definitely shrunk for enormous to big and then to small, but it is still in the heart. I have told myself before that I have to let go, but I think I have redefined the work? let g? wrongly. I believe that letting go does not necessary mean that you have to delete them from your brain and treat them indifferently. I think it's wrong.I think letting go means to learn the right from the wrong. Differentiating the past from the present. It has been apart of our lives, we can't just forget things just like that. We can't just delete and empty the recycle bin. I believe each and everyone of us has been through a lot and we have a secret little room in our heart that keeps all these no matter if it's good or bad, happy or sad, joy or sorrow. The lesson to be learn is to look back at these treasures we lock up in our hearts and be able to say, "I've learnt from the bad, sad and sorrow" and "I've gained from the good, happy and joy".
How do you get over such emotions and situations? I know a lot of people will come and say, let it be, let by gone be by gone, and other stuff like that, but is it really what should happen. I know letting go and move on is the ultimate answer, but how do we do it. And if we claim that we have done it, have we really lift the burden off our shoulders? How do you know that you have actually gotten over some one or something? I believe that when you still hold something inside your heart, be it love, hatred or revenge, then you have not gotten over anything but instead you have build up a dark room in you heart for this particular someone.If you were to lift the burden, you would not have a string of hatred or thoughts of revenge or even cupids arrow of love. You would just treat the person like a newfound friend. But how many of us can do it? Can you do it? Can you let go and wash all your love, hatred or revenge down the drain and into the ocean? You tell me, and if you are able to do it, then tell me how.I have been trying for years and been telling myself I should and I will get over it, but in the end, I found out that I still have not been able to do it. Yes, the feelings has definitely subsided, I mean it has definitely shrunk for enormous to big and then to small, but it is still in the heart. I have told myself before that I have to let go, but I think I have redefined the work? let g? wrongly. I believe that letting go does not necessary mean that you have to delete them from your brain and treat them indifferently. I think it's wrong.I think letting go means to learn the right from the wrong. Differentiating the past from the present. It has been apart of our lives, we can't just forget things just like that. We can't just delete and empty the recycle bin. I believe each and everyone of us has been through a lot and we have a secret little room in our heart that keeps all these no matter if it's good or bad, happy or sad, joy or sorrow. The lesson to be learn is to look back at these treasures we lock up in our hearts and be able to say, "I've learnt from the bad, sad and sorrow" and "I've gained from the good, happy and joy".
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Corat-coret...
Dah lama tak update blog ni. Disebabkan aku ada beberapa blog kadang-kadang terlupa yang mana satu aku tak update. Nampaknya aku kena pilih salah satu dan fokus.
Dalam seminggu dua ni banyak suka duka. Itulah hidup. Bittersweet...
Alhamdulillah bulan ni ada rezeki lebih. Thanks boss. I'll keep up my good work (kononnya la...). Seronoknya dapat shopping sakan di KLIBF. 
Setakat hari ni aku dah 2 kali ke sana dan aku dah beli 16 buah novel!!! I'll be in my own world untill I finished all the novels. Masih ada masa sehingga hujung minggu ni untuk tambah koleksi. Itu pun kalau sempat. Aku plan nak tambah English collections. Ada banyak best seller yang beberapa kali aku angkat letak tapi tak jadi beli sebab rambang mata. Kali ni sempat jumpa John dan Kak Su di JS. Thanks Khairyn for the cute card from Glassgow. Teringin nak jumpa Imaen (yang muda 3 tahun 15 hari dari Brad Pitt...) tapi nampaknya buat masa sekarang dia lebih suka jumpa di alam maya.
Setakat hari ni aku dah 2 kali ke sana dan aku dah beli 16 buah novel!!! I'll be in my own world untill I finished all the novels. Masih ada masa sehingga hujung minggu ni untuk tambah koleksi. Itu pun kalau sempat. Aku plan nak tambah English collections. Ada banyak best seller yang beberapa kali aku angkat letak tapi tak jadi beli sebab rambang mata. Kali ni sempat jumpa John dan Kak Su di JS. Thanks Khairyn for the cute card from Glassgow. Teringin nak jumpa Imaen (yang muda 3 tahun 15 hari dari Brad Pitt...) tapi nampaknya buat masa sekarang dia lebih suka jumpa di alam maya. 2 minggu lepas semasa di PD aku terima kejutan. 
"Saya sayang awak lagi..." Kalau setahun dulu aku terima SMS macam ni mungkin aku menangis gembira. Itu yang aku impikan. Itu yang aku harapkan. Tapi sekarang aku sendiri tak pasti dengan perasaan aku. Keliru antara cinta, kasih dan sayang. Aku terkedu dan termenung panjang dengan 'syarat' yang diberikan. Mampukah aku? Terasa amat berat. Mungkin cinta hadir ketika hatiku telah tertutup. Sudahnya aku hanya nokhtahkan dengan 'let it be'. Keadaan masih seperti dahulu cuma lebih baik (agaknya lah). Sesekali berSMS (kadang-kadang dia tak reply). Kalau ada kelapangan berYM (dengan ayat ringkas dan dia tiba-tiba boleh hilang). As at now still no call. Nak dating jauh sekali. Aneh? Pelik? Benar...itu cara yang aku dan dia pilih...
Petang semalam ada lagi satu kejutan. Tapi cuma kejutan kecil. Mungkin lelaki yang satu ini juga baru keluar dari 'gua'nya (nak tau maksud 'gua' (cave) ni baca MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS). Dengan lelaki ini juga aku memilih untuk tunggu dan lihat perkembangan seterusnya. Tiada lagi yang kuharapkan. Tiada lagi yang kuimpikan.
Semalam aku jumpa Azmir. Tak lama tapi cukup untuk aku legakan otak seketika. Setiap kali dia ajak jumpa aku jarang cakap 'tak boleh'. Walaupun kami lebih banyak bersembang pasal kerja tapi aku seronok bersembang dengan dia. He always has the right words to cheer me up. I know him for 8 years now & he is one of my best buddy. Pukul 10 malam aku dah sampai rumah. Aku sambung baca HARUM CHEMPAKA (NB) berselang dengan DI ATAS SAJADAH CINTA (Habiburrahman El-Shirazy).
Hujung minggu ni InsyaAllah ada reunion di Alang Sedayu, Gombak. Dalam masa yang sama LRC di Tanjung Piai. Aku dah confirm nak join reunion. Sejak kebelakangan ni, aku jarang ikut serta aktiviti team, baik meeting mahupun lepak dan sembang-sembang. Kesihatan tak mengizinkan. Mungkin juga sebab dalam hati ni tersimpan sesuatu yang sukar ditafsirkan. Sedih...terluka...kecewa... (yang buatkan aku makin sakit). Aku bukan menghukum mereka dengan meminggirkan diri (dengan kata lain tak memberikan komitmen). Bukan merajuk untuk meminta perhatian. I just need some times to be back on track. Seperti kata Micheal J. Losier - It's OK to be selfish when you understand that being selfish is simply an act of self-care. Aku rasa aku tidak boleh lagi paksa diri aku melakukan sesuatu yang aku tak mahu. Aku bukan tak biasa lakukan sesuatu yang aku tak mahu tapi natijahnya hanya aku dan Tuhan yang tahu.
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