Seakan luluh jiwa ini mendengar khabar itu,
air mata menderu-deru,
hati bagai ditusuk sembilu.
Walau apapun terjadi masih tebal rasa hormatku,
untuk kalian yang bergelar isteri dan ibu.
Meski gelar seperti kalian belum kuraih,
aku mohon jangan diri ini dipersenda dan disisih,
hadir aku jauh sekali untuk mengocak yang jernih,
tetapi sekadar menumpang kasih.
Tuhan...rajuk masih bergelora,
sakit luka masih terasa,
namun hanya kesabaran dan kekuatan yang aku pinta,
mohon aku berlapang dada,
moga mampu memberi kebaikan kepada mereka.
Yang sedih pedih sedaya kulupa,
kuyakin di hujung gelap ada cahaya.
Aku mohon agar hati ini terjaga,
daripada rasa benci dan dendam yang tercela.
Aku hanya ingin membawa kenangan indah bersama,
mengukir bahagia selagi masa masih bersisa.
Buat kalian aku titipkan doa,
hidup sejahtera dilimpahi rahmat-Nya,
jua ucapan maaf dan terima kasih untuk segala-gala.
*Catatan selepas mengetahui peristiwa yang berlaku di sebalik majlis berbuka puasa 17 Ramadan.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
It Hurts and Aching....
Tears falling and blood dripping.
I feel like running into his arms.
I wish I can wake him up and tell him what hurt me but I know I can't.
All I can do is drive along the highway to calm down and later write down what I feel with the hope I'll feel better.
Last few days were a nightmare. Starting with 'buka puasa' incident, 'biz attacked' and later few other things really make me exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.
The worst thing is when I feel hurt and depress there comes the bleeding like I'm deeply wounded inside.
I tried very much to let it be and let it go.
I've done my best to handle them but most of the times I failed to control my emotion.
I never ever blamed anyone. It's me.
God...it hurts and aching but I need to go on.
I feel like running into his arms.
I wish I can wake him up and tell him what hurt me but I know I can't.
All I can do is drive along the highway to calm down and later write down what I feel with the hope I'll feel better.
Last few days were a nightmare. Starting with 'buka puasa' incident, 'biz attacked' and later few other things really make me exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.
The worst thing is when I feel hurt and depress there comes the bleeding like I'm deeply wounded inside.
I tried very much to let it be and let it go.
I've done my best to handle them but most of the times I failed to control my emotion.
I never ever blamed anyone. It's me.
God...it hurts and aching but I need to go on.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Walking Down Memory Lane
This is the first time ever I’m updating my blog from the hospital bed. I feel like time is moving fast since I can surf and read to kill my time. Thanks Dr. KC for giving me the special privilege ;-)
I started my day today in Bukit Kiara, visit my beloved another half. 2724 days has passed. He has laid to rest for more than 7 years but I feel like he just left me yesterday. I told him how life was treating me lately and how our ‘baby’ is growing up well and is in a good hand, InsyaAllah.
I was and I am in the ‘emotional’ mood. I’m aware of it and I understand that it is because of I’m under BMT. I’m not going to avoid it and I just experience my experience. I enjoy my journey walking down memory lane. Flipping the photos to upload on Facebook while listening to the ‘meaningful’ songs brought me to tears. How I miss the good old days. Yea…those were yesterdays and what I have at this moment is now. I know most things will never remain the same. So do the people. For many many times I experienced the feeling of being unwanted and left out. It will happen again and again. I choose to stay and face it because they are the people whom I love very much. But who am I to them, anyway?
At the same time, I was thinking about a few people who really mean a lot to me. I think that I already thanked them in appropriate way but I feel it is not enough. I don’t know why but nowadays it seems hard for me to say I love them. I just hope that it’s better done than said. And I hope God will grant me strength to do whatever I need to do. InsyaAllah, I want to continue supporting them in whatever way I can.
Sometimes I felt really lost and hopeless especially when I couldn’t have what I was expecting for. But I realized that all those feeling make me stronger day by day. I admit that I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the ‘time’. But I need to be strong in order to live my life. The journey is not yet end. It doesn’t matter that right now I’m crawling as long as I have the intention to work out the best and effective way to stand up, walk and run again later.
Lying alone here, I remember what this someone asked me before. Did this so call the most important person in my life really cared about me? I know he did and he does care about me in his own way. I’m the one who chose to keep many things to myself for I think it is better rather than keep rumbling about it. I know part of his life goals and I'm here not to be a burden to him. With the time left I wish I can contribute and give my best support to him and also to other people. A contribution and support that I hope will be of value to them, InsyaAllah. By the way, thanks to you and I love you.
I know my condition won't get better. In fact, at this moment I need much more emotional support than before. I know how fragile am I. A minor 'emotional injury' can cause a big impact to my health. I can't tell people, "Hey, please don't hurt me or I'm dead." I'm the one who need to takr care of myself. Many people around me know I'm sick but that's it. I'm sick, other people also sick. So what?
Time is running short and I still have a lot to do. People will never care what happen and I need to handle it myself because this is my life. No matter how difficult it is, no matter how worst the breakdown is, I need to move on. Most important, I must give more. Maybe this is the time for me to stop the journey with a few people. It is the time to say good-bye for good.
Thanks to You
Thank you for teaching me how to love
Showing me what the world means
What I've been dreaming of
And now I know, there is nothing that I could not do
Thanks to you
For teaching me how to feel
Showing me my emotions
Letting me know what's real
From what is not
What I've got is more that I'd ever hoped for
And a lot of what I hope for is
Thanks to you
No mountain, no valley
No time, no space
No heartache, no heartbreak
No fall from grace
Can't stop me from believing
That my love will pull me through
Thanks to you
Thanks to you
For teaching me how to live
Putting things in perspective
Teaching me how to give
And how to take
No mistake
We were put here together
And if I breakdown
Forgive me but it's true
That I'm aching with the love I feel inside
Thanks to you
Thanks to you
I started my day today in Bukit Kiara, visit my beloved another half. 2724 days has passed. He has laid to rest for more than 7 years but I feel like he just left me yesterday. I told him how life was treating me lately and how our ‘baby’ is growing up well and is in a good hand, InsyaAllah.
I was and I am in the ‘emotional’ mood. I’m aware of it and I understand that it is because of I’m under BMT. I’m not going to avoid it and I just experience my experience. I enjoy my journey walking down memory lane. Flipping the photos to upload on Facebook while listening to the ‘meaningful’ songs brought me to tears. How I miss the good old days. Yea…those were yesterdays and what I have at this moment is now. I know most things will never remain the same. So do the people. For many many times I experienced the feeling of being unwanted and left out. It will happen again and again. I choose to stay and face it because they are the people whom I love very much. But who am I to them, anyway?
At the same time, I was thinking about a few people who really mean a lot to me. I think that I already thanked them in appropriate way but I feel it is not enough. I don’t know why but nowadays it seems hard for me to say I love them. I just hope that it’s better done than said. And I hope God will grant me strength to do whatever I need to do. InsyaAllah, I want to continue supporting them in whatever way I can.
Sometimes I felt really lost and hopeless especially when I couldn’t have what I was expecting for. But I realized that all those feeling make me stronger day by day. I admit that I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the ‘time’. But I need to be strong in order to live my life. The journey is not yet end. It doesn’t matter that right now I’m crawling as long as I have the intention to work out the best and effective way to stand up, walk and run again later.
Lying alone here, I remember what this someone asked me before. Did this so call the most important person in my life really cared about me? I know he did and he does care about me in his own way. I’m the one who chose to keep many things to myself for I think it is better rather than keep rumbling about it. I know part of his life goals and I'm here not to be a burden to him. With the time left I wish I can contribute and give my best support to him and also to other people. A contribution and support that I hope will be of value to them, InsyaAllah. By the way, thanks to you and I love you.
I know my condition won't get better. In fact, at this moment I need much more emotional support than before. I know how fragile am I. A minor 'emotional injury' can cause a big impact to my health. I can't tell people, "Hey, please don't hurt me or I'm dead." I'm the one who need to takr care of myself. Many people around me know I'm sick but that's it. I'm sick, other people also sick. So what?
Time is running short and I still have a lot to do. People will never care what happen and I need to handle it myself because this is my life. No matter how difficult it is, no matter how worst the breakdown is, I need to move on. Most important, I must give more. Maybe this is the time for me to stop the journey with a few people. It is the time to say good-bye for good.
Thanks to You
Thank you for teaching me how to love
Showing me what the world means
What I've been dreaming of
And now I know, there is nothing that I could not do
Thanks to you
For teaching me how to feel
Showing me my emotions
Letting me know what's real
From what is not
What I've got is more that I'd ever hoped for
And a lot of what I hope for is
Thanks to you
No mountain, no valley
No time, no space
No heartache, no heartbreak
No fall from grace
Can't stop me from believing
That my love will pull me through
Thanks to you
Thanks to you
For teaching me how to live
Putting things in perspective
Teaching me how to give
And how to take
No mistake
We were put here together
And if I breakdown
Forgive me but it's true
That I'm aching with the love I feel inside
Thanks to you
Thanks to you
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