Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Perjalanan...

Kembali ke daerah itu, mengingatkan aku pada kenangan zaman kanak-kanak yang indah. Kenangan mengikut Abah outstation setiap kali cuti sekolah dan taman tasik menjadi tempat persinggahan wajib. Kunjungan kali ini juga mengingatkan aku akan nostalgia lebih dua tahun yang lalu. Ada rindu yang berputik buat seorang ‘adik’. Moga kau bahagia dengan jalan yang dipilih, dik. Doaku sentiasa mengiringi perjalanan hidupmu. Adakah masih ada waktu untuk aku kembali ke daerah itu? InsyaAllah.

Aku tiba di SJ lewat jam 6 petang dan kemudian meneruskan perjalanan menuju ke Timur setelah berehat seketika. Penat masih terasa namun ada amanah yang lebih penting untuk ditunaikan. Perjalanan ini seakan suatu déjà vu. Terkenang dia yang telah tiada. Terbersit rasa yang sukar diduga apakah maknanya.

Tiba di destinasi melepasi tengah malam lalu melelapkan mata sekadar memulih tenaga untuk hari esok. Alhamdulillah, berkesempatan juga melihat keindahan alam tatkala sang mentari memunculkan diri. Memandang laut luas mengingatkan aku tentang kapal yang dikemudi dan betapa masih jauh perjalananku sebelum sampai ke pelabuhan.




Program berjalan seperti yang direncana. Bahagia sekali melihat wajah adik-adik yang tidak sabar mengharung pancaroba dunia jua abang-abang dan kakak-kakak yang sudi berkongsi cerita tentang hidup dan kehidupan. Terima kasih semua untuk pengalaman yang indah ini. Meskipun hanya pertemuan singkat namun banyak yang aku pelajari daripada mereka.



Seketika nanti, aku akan meneruskan perjalanan pulang. Hajatnya mahu merehatkan diri di sini barang semalaman lagi namun ada urusan yang menunggu untuk diselesaikan. InsyaAllah, aku akan kembali.
Ada waktunya aku mahu menjadi lebih tabah dan kuat daripada hari ini. Aku mahu lebih ‘hidup’ daripada hari ini. Mampukah aku? Terasa sukarnya namun aku harus terus melangkah. Terkadang aku tewas dengan tuntutan hati dan emosi. Terasing dalam ramai, terkapai-kapai sendiri menongkah arus. Sudahnya, aku biarkan diri ini hanyut. Sejak sekian lama, air mata kuusap dengan jemari sendiri. Rajuk kubiar tanpa dipujuk. Luka kurawat dalam diam. Bukan aku tidak sudi berkongsi segala rasa yang terpendam, bercerita tentang keinginan dan mimpi aku untuk dunia ini. Aku tidak perlu sesiapa pun untuk memahami cukuplah sekadar mendengar. Ya...sekadar mendengar.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I Turn To You



Di situlah aku temui ketenangan. Di situlah aku kembali beroleh kekuatan yang hilang. Sememangnya aku tahu semuanya ada dalam diriku namun sebagai insan biasa, aku perlukan bahu untuk melepaskan tangis, aku perlukan telinga untuk mendengar keluh kesah yang bersarang di dada.
Sahabat-sahabatku di luar sana terlalu sibuk dengan urusan sendiri dan aku tidak menyalahkah mereka. Aku juga sudah berhenti berharap. Andai aku perlukan bahu dan telinga, ke situlah aku tuju. Dia yang bersemadi di bawah pohon kemboja sentiasa ada untuk aku.
Bukan dia yang mengemudi hidup aku tetapi dia umpama bintang petunjuk di saat aku hilang haluan. Aku hidup bukan kerana dia tetapi dia yang membuka mata aku untuk melihat hidup dan kehidupan.
Pabila terasa terlalu lelah menghadapi segalanya, aku hanya menangis dan menangis sehingga sakit, rajuk dan tangis itu terhenti sendiri. Segalanya bisa terhenti namun perjalanan hidup aku tidak akan terhenti sehingga tiba waktunya.
Duhai diri, tabahlah. Di bahumu ada amanah yang perlu ditunaikan, ada tanggungjawab yang perlu dilangsaikan. Melangkahlah sehingga tamat perjalananmu.
Tuhan...aku redha akan setiap takdir-Mu. Sesungguhnya, Engkau tidak akan membebankan hamba-Mu dengan dugaan dan ujian yang tidak mampu ditanggungnya.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I Do Love You For Who You Are

Angel brought me here? Nop...Why I’m here then? Life has been treating me well but as always it was me. And I ended up with BMT. Tomorrow is another session. Nothing going to be great for me but I just hope it will be fine. Just fine for a great weekend with a group of great people I’m looking forward to. God, how I really wish it will continue for quite some time despite all those misunderstandings.
Why ended up with BMT? It was totally a nightmare and it came in a rather haphazard way. I was lost and blamed. Cut me into pieces. I’m not up to anything. Nor to say I’m right. Let it be.
At times he who raised me up and lighted up my life can even put me down and burn me down without knowing it. He who used to say “I love you” without any hesitation, now says nothing at all. He was always by my side during the good old days, rarely there for me when I need him these days. Anyway, I do love him for who he is.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Sometimes When We Touch

Song by Dan Hill

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty is too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty is too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty is too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Friday, October 23, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Mengapa Dirindu

Anak punai anak merbah
Terbang turun buat sarang
Anak sungai pun berubah
Ini pula hati orang
Mengapa dikenang

Asal kapas jadi benang
Dari benang dibuat baju
Barang lepas jangan kenang
Sudah jadi orang baru
Mengapa dirindu

Kasih yang dulu tinggal dalam mimpi
Kasih yang baru simpan di hati
Kasih yang dulu tinggal dalam mimpi
Kasih yang baru simpan di hati

Selat teduh lautan tenang
Banyak labuh perahu Acheh
Jangan kesal jangan kenang
Walau hati rasa pedih
Mengapa bersedih

Kalau pinang masih muda
Rasanya kelat sudahlah pasti
Kalau hilang kasih lama
Cari lain untuk ganti
Mengapa dinanti

Patahkan tumbung hilang berganti
Akan sembuh kalau diubati
Patahkan tumbung hilang berganti
Akan sembuh kalau diubati

Sayang mengapa dirindu...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Catatan Ramadan

Seakan luluh jiwa ini mendengar khabar itu,
air mata menderu-deru,
hati bagai ditusuk sembilu.
Walau apapun terjadi masih tebal rasa hormatku,
untuk kalian yang bergelar isteri dan ibu.

Meski gelar seperti kalian belum kuraih,
aku mohon jangan diri ini dipersenda dan disisih,
hadir aku jauh sekali untuk mengocak yang jernih,
tetapi sekadar menumpang kasih.

Tuhan...rajuk masih bergelora,
sakit luka masih terasa,
namun hanya kesabaran dan kekuatan yang aku pinta,
mohon aku berlapang dada,
moga mampu memberi kebaikan kepada mereka.
Yang sedih pedih sedaya kulupa,
kuyakin di hujung gelap ada cahaya.
Aku mohon agar hati ini terjaga,
daripada rasa benci dan dendam yang tercela.

Aku hanya ingin membawa kenangan indah bersama,
mengukir bahagia selagi masa masih bersisa.
Buat kalian aku titipkan doa,
hidup sejahtera dilimpahi rahmat-Nya,
jua ucapan maaf dan terima kasih untuk segala-gala.

*Catatan selepas mengetahui peristiwa yang berlaku di sebalik majlis berbuka puasa 17 Ramadan.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

It Hurts and Aching....

Tears falling and blood dripping.
I feel like running into his arms.
I wish I can wake him up and tell him what hurt me but I know I can't.
All I can do is drive along the highway to calm down and later write down what I feel with the hope I'll feel better.
Last few days were a nightmare. Starting with 'buka puasa' incident, 'biz attacked' and later few other things really make me exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.
The worst thing is when I feel hurt and depress there comes the bleeding like I'm deeply wounded inside.
I tried very much to let it be and let it go.
I've done my best to handle them but most of the times I failed to control my emotion.
I never ever blamed anyone. It's me.
God...it hurts and aching but I need to go on.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Walking Down Memory Lane

This is the first time ever I’m updating my blog from the hospital bed. I feel like time is moving fast since I can surf and read to kill my time. Thanks Dr. KC for giving me the special privilege ;-)
I started my day today in Bukit Kiara, visit my beloved another half. 2724 days has passed. He has laid to rest for more than 7 years but I feel like he just left me yesterday. I told him how life was treating me lately and how our ‘baby’ is growing up well and is in a good hand, InsyaAllah.
I was and I am in the ‘emotional’ mood. I’m aware of it and I understand that it is because of I’m under BMT. I’m not going to avoid it and I just experience my experience. I enjoy my journey walking down memory lane. Flipping the photos to upload on Facebook while listening to the ‘meaningful’ songs brought me to tears. How I miss the good old days. Yea…those were yesterdays and what I have at this moment is now. I know most things will never remain the same. So do the people. For many many times I experienced the feeling of being unwanted and left out. It will happen again and again. I choose to stay and face it because they are the people whom I love very much. But who am I to them, anyway?
At the same time, I was thinking about a few people who really mean a lot to me. I think that I already thanked them in appropriate way but I feel it is not enough. I don’t know why but nowadays it seems hard for me to say I love them. I just hope that it’s better done than said. And I hope God will grant me strength to do whatever I need to do. InsyaAllah, I want to continue supporting them in whatever way I can.
Sometimes I felt really lost and hopeless especially when I couldn’t have what I was expecting for. But I realized that all those feeling make me stronger day by day. I admit that I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the ‘time’. But I need to be strong in order to live my life. The journey is not yet end. It doesn’t matter that right now I’m crawling as long as I have the intention to work out the best and effective way to stand up, walk and run again later.
Lying alone here, I remember what this someone asked me before. Did this so call the most important person in my life really cared about me? I know he did and he does care about me in his own way. I’m the one who chose to keep many things to myself for I think it is better rather than keep rumbling about it. I know part of his life goals and I'm here not to be a burden to him. With the time left I wish I can contribute and give my best support to him and also to other people. A contribution and support that I hope will be of value to them, InsyaAllah. By the way, thanks to you and I love you.
I know my condition won't get better. In fact, at this moment I need much more emotional support than before. I know how fragile am I. A minor 'emotional injury' can cause a big impact to my health. I can't tell people, "Hey, please don't hurt me or I'm dead." I'm the one who need to takr care of myself. Many people around me know I'm sick but that's it. I'm sick, other people also sick. So what?
Time is running short and I still have a lot to do. People will never care what happen and I need to handle it myself because this is my life. No matter how difficult it is, no matter how worst the breakdown is, I need to move on. Most important, I must give more. Maybe this is the time for me to stop the journey with a few people. It is the time to say good-bye for good.

Thanks to You

Thank you for teaching me how to love
Showing me what the world means
What I've been dreaming of
And now I know, there is nothing that I could not do

Thanks to you
For teaching me how to feel
Showing me my emotions
Letting me know what's real
From what is not
What I've got is more that I'd ever hoped for
And a lot of what I hope for is
Thanks to you

No mountain, no valley
No time, no space
No heartache, no heartbreak
No fall from grace
Can't stop me from believing
That my love will pull me through
Thanks to you

Thanks to you
For teaching me how to live
Putting things in perspective
Teaching me how to give
And how to take
No mistake
We were put here together
And if I breakdown
Forgive me but it's true
That I'm aching with the love I feel inside
Thanks to you
Thanks to you

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Selamat Bertamu, Ramadan….

Sejak dua hari lepas sehinggalah ke saat ini bertalu-talu mesej Salam Ramadan memasuki inbox telefon. Tidak ketinggalan ucapan melalui Facebook dan juga e-mel. Terima kasih untuk semua yang sudi mengirimkan salam dan ucapan tanda ingatan. Semoga Ramadan ini lebih baik daripada yang terdahulu, InsyaAllah.
Kedatangan Ramadan juga sering dinanti-nantikan oleh adik-adik dan anak-anak di panti asuhan. Sepanjang Ramadan mereka mewah dengan acara berbuka puasa dan berbelanja untuk menyambut lebaran. Alhamdulillah, rezeki untuk mereka kerana pada bulan yang penuh barakah ini, banyak tangan yang menghulur.
Bermula esok dan hari-hari pada awal Ramadan ini InsyaAllah akan kulalui di kamar serba putih itu. Bersempana cuti panjang, inilah masa yang terbaik untuk menunaikan tanggungjawab pada diri sendiri yang sekian lama tertangguh. Ramadan bukan penghalang dan dengan izin-Nya, aku berdoa semoga segala-galanya berjalan dengan lancar. Hati sedikit terusik apabila memikirkan akan melaluinya sendirian. Ada sakit yang lebih sakit. Tapi bukankah aku sudah biasa melalui hampir semuanya sendirian? Tambahan pula, aku telah nekad untuk tidak bercerita apa-apa lagi. Merajuk dan berjauh hatikah aku? Kalau ya, pada siapa?
Walau apa pun terjadi, hidup perlu diteruskan. Kata-kata klise yang sering aku ucapkan namun itulah hakikatnya. Impian yang kian nyata itu tidak harus dilepaskan begitu sahaja. Yang sudah biarkan berlalu. Yang ada kini adalah masa sekarang yang harus diisi, dimanfaat dan dinikmati.
Selamat bertamu, Ramadan...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thanks God for the Strength and Endurance

Yesterday I feel a bit aggrieved because I couldn’t join WOW day. But today I really enjoyed my own WOW day. Thanks God for the strength and endurance. It’s been a while since the last time I truly take life as it is. Sometimes it’s good to put aside all those theories and philosophies of life. Not everyone can understand the language, anyway. This weekend is also my 2nd weekend. Alhamdulillah, I could make it through the ‘thunderstorm’. For sure the journey will continue and it will not last after 3 months. Life is beautiful but it is not a waste to make it more beautiful.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Saturday, August 15, 2009

After A Hectic Day...



Result after a ‘hectic’ day is prohibited from a ‘looking forward’ weekend. I‘m advised not to be in public area due to the weak immune and the low count. It put me in a low spirit though.
Been there done that, why still want more? It’s not something new and I’ve been doing it since then. Why? Because I love it!
Life is beautiful. Enjoy every single day, anyway. If it is to be it is up to me.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I'm Thankful

I supposed to have a quiet weekend up the hill. I was looking forward to it since I really need a revitalization and rejuvenation. But I was advised not to travel out-of-town alone for the time being, not until my BMT is over. I always refer BMT to “Bring Me into Tailspin” which most of the time put me in “unforeseen circumstances”. Sometimes along with BMT, I can be in “Bad Mood Today” mode where I can be at my most vulnerable. This happen almost every time I have to carry on with BMT including last few days. Well, despite the BMT, I chose to make merry in my own way. Yeah…why wait. Let’s live life to the fullest.

Yesterday noon, I fetched my housemate once I’m finished with my routine and we headed to Sg Buloh at the invitation of my friend. Anyway, I decided to leave soonest possible when I was about to engage in a ‘weird’ conversation. I didn’t mind they forgot my name and where I belong to but I couldn’t stand it when they ignored me because of my absence from the group’s activities. You can assume whatever you want to assume but I know what I’m doing. I didn’t do much but at least I didn’t stop for good.

Later in the afternoon I welcomed a group of teenagers from abroad and I really had fun with them. I supposed not to be there as I planned to take a break. My collaborators were in charge but God had a better plan for me. I managed to conduct a session with them and I learned a lot from their sharing.



I also had a great time with another group of friend right after the session. Chatting and eating all night long like no end.




I started my day today again with the routine followed by another session with the teenagers. I shared my experiences and my dreams. I revealed the truth about my life. While I was sharing, I got a message saying God has called one of my peers. May you rest in peace, friend. I know you had a great time at the end of your life.

I felt a sudden terrible pang. I said good-bye and on the spur of the moment I drove to Bukit Kiara. From out of nowhere, I missed my other half so much. I missed listening to his sharing about love and life. I longed to see his shinning eyes and his broad smile when he talked about his passion for people. I missed everything about him and I’m left with the legacy. Time flies and I’m running short of it. I’m beginning, ever so slowly, to think about our legacy. Everything seems to be on the track and expanding well. I’ve been seriously considering the two “A” in collaboration. But both aren’t really my game. No harm to go along with them, anyway. I owe them much. It’s just that I need to take care of so many things especially my well being. I’ll keep on supporting them in whatever way I can and for sure I’ll keep on sharing about both AmericanWay and AsiaWorks.

I heard LRC is coming end October. It’s been a long time since the last one in March. Someone asked if I’m going. I’d love to if they need my support. But it’s no point to be there if I’m not welcome. Besides, I didn’t know much about it. The good old days are over, anyway. The big family seems far apart as everybody move on with their life. I’ve been asked what role I’ve played to get everybody together again. Not really a long list but what can I say, it takes two to tango.

My so called quiet weekend ended up at a beautiful sea view. It brought nostalgia while I sat and watched the glorious sunset.



Out of the blue, a colleague called when I was on my way home, asking if I’m having a great time 3D/2N stay at Colmar. I said that Colmar might turn into a “cold war” later if I was there. Well, it’s just a maybe from my “what if” thinking. Of course I don’t expect it to be like that. I believe that God’s plan is the best despite the fact that I think everything is well planned. Thanks God for the opportunity to be in contribution.

Friday, August 7, 2009

At This Moment I Wish...


















Another BMT in less than 8 hours and I can’t stop feeling nervous and afraid. I feel like cuddling in someone arms. But it is just a wish that will never come true...

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hari Ke-7...

Hari ini hari terakhir untuk mengutip ‘dana’. Alhamdulillah, walaupun tak sebanyak mana tapi aku berjaya juga melunaskan ‘declaration’ dan hasilnya aku akan titipkan untuk kegunaan adik-adik di DR. Yang pastinya aku tak akan berhenti di sini. InsyaAllah aku akan teruskan setakat yang boleh. Hari ini juga aku diberitahu duit yang aku ‘laburkan’ di AW tidak boleh dipindahkan apalagi dikembalikan. Nilainya cukup untuk membiayai 2 sesi treatment. Bukan aku tidak boleh ‘reschedule’ untuk membolehkan aku mendapatkan semula nilainya namun sememangnya aku tak mampu melakukannya dalam masa 6 bulan ini atas pelbagai sebab. Tak mengapalah, ada rezeki InsyaAllah aku akan dapat lebih daripada itu asalkan aku berusaha. Bukan sahaja duit tapi pelajaran tentang hidup dan kehidupan juga ada di mana-mana asalkan aku mahu belajar.
Minggu ini juga aku ‘dipaksa’ menjalani treatment yang seolah menjadi rutin untuk memastikan aku ‘direhatkan’ sejenak sebelum meneruskan perjalanan. Rehat yang kadang kala menyakitkan dan menyerap tenaga yang ada. This is the time when I need someone badly just to comfort me and tell me everything will be fine. This is the time when a simple word such as 'how are you?', 'take care' and 'I love you' mean a lot. Yeah... I hardly got both but it's fine, then. Without them I'm still alive, anyway. Aku tahu betapa rapuhnya kekuatan aku. Aku tahu apa yang mampu ‘membunuh’ diriku sebelum sampai masanya. Aku juga tahu, sedikit kesilapan saja bakal mengundang padah. Aku sebenarnya sudah putus asa untuk berkongsi rasa tentang semua itu. Sejak peristiwa 4 Julai dan beberapa hari selepasnya, aku pasrah. Semangat aku untuk berjuang meneruskan hidup tidak pernah luntur namun mungkin inilah takdir untuk aku. Tuhan tentukan tugas aku di dunia ini untuk menjadi pendengar dan bukan untuk didengar. I’m proud to say that I make a different by being a listener. Guys... I’m willing to listen to whatever you want to say although you only listen to what you want to listen. Walau apapun, aku masih ada Tuhan Yang Maha Mendengar. Nisan kaku itu juga sentiasa ada untuk mendengar pabila tidak ada manusia lain yang mahu mendengar. Keep breathing and keep moving.
Aku sentiasa berdoa agar Tuhan terus beri aku kekuatan. Aku juga sentiasa berdoa agar Tuhan pelihara kasih sayang yang ada di hati ini. Walau sebanyak mana air mata aku mengalir kerana terluka dan berjauh hati namun biarlah kasih sayang aku untuk kalian terus kekal hingga ke mati. I love you because I love you and not because of other reasons.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Six 'Ls'

"Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Rasa Itu Kubiar Sepi...



Dah lama aku tak ‘merantau’ jauh sambil bersantai menikmati indahnya alam ciptaan Tuhan seperti hari ini. Kalau tak disebabkan ‘weekly declaration’ mungkin aku masih menangguhkannya atau aku langsung melupakannya. Kadang-kadang kehendak dan impian yang begitu mudah pun perlukan penggalak dan pemangkin untuk merealisasikannya. Tak terfikir untuk ‘just do it’. Terlalu banyak halangan dan kekurangan yang diambil kira sehingga tenaga habis terkuras di situ.
Setelah menamatkan ‘Basic’ dan kemudian ber’Advanced’ hanya untuk sehari aku memilih untuk meneruskannya dengan ‘LP’ aku sendiri. I’m challenging myself. Aku mulakannya pada 1 Julai tanpa ‘sekretariat dan prosedur'. Yang ada hanya aku dan deklarasiku… :-)
Permulaan yang agak baik tetapi pada hari keempat aku diuji dengan berita yang menggugat kekuatan diri. Aku hampir putus asa apabila aku gagal mendapatkan sokongan. I was only longing for an ear and I couldn’t get it. Dan beberapa hari berikutnya, keadaan makin meruncing dengan pelbagai peristiwa yang menjeruk rasa dan mengocak jiwa. Aku terasa ingin menokhtahkan semuanya. Dalam masa yang sama, aku lemas 'dijaga' sebegitu rupa juga terdera dengan ‘analisis’ kelemahan dan kegagalan diri sendiri sedangkan pada ketika itu yang aku amat perlukan ialah udara untuk terus bernafas. Dek kerana lemas dan tidak mampu mengawal diri, jasad aku yang menjadi mangsa. Namun aku tidak sesekali menyalahkan sesiapa atas apa yang terjadi. Aku tidak ingin mengungkit apa-apa. It was me.
Aku sebenarnya boleh menerima setiap yang diperkatakan kerana lewat beberapa tahun ini, kata-kata sedemikian menjadi salah satu suntikan semangat yang menguatkan aku untuk meneruskan perjalanan hidup. Kata-kata itu kadang kala kedengaran agak keras tetapi mampu membuat aku melihat kehidupan ini dari sudut yang berbeza. Cuma, ada masanya aku perlukan pengertian lebih daripada segala-galanya. Pengertian yang sering disalahertikan sebagai aku mahukan perhatian.
Berkali-kali aku jatuh dan bangun semula. Aku sering merasakan aku tak mampu bangun semula hanya kerana aku kecewa dengan manusia di sekeliling aku. But, this is my life. I say that again and again to myself. And I did what works for me. Aku kunjungi pusara itu buat kesekian kalinya. Aku luahkan semua yang terpendam. Tiada suara memujuk atau tangan yang membelai tetapi aku rasa puas kerana saat itu aku hanya perlukan telinga untuk mendengar walaupun yang mendengar itu hanyalah sepasang nisan kaku. Kemudian, aku teruskan langkah mengunjungi mereka yang memerlukan aku. Di sini aku bukan sahaja rasa diperlukan tetapi bersama mereka mengingatkan aku tentang deklarasi yang sejak beberapa hari lalu terabai. Bersama mereka juga mengingatkan aku tentang impian aku untuk dunia ini. Spread the love.
Dua “A” yang ada di hadapan mataku sekarang adalah antara platform untuk aku merealisasikan impian aku. Dua 'method' yang berbeza tetapi ada beberapa persamaan. Kedua-duanya punya ‘mechanic’ tersendiri. Aku boleh saja memilih kedua-duanya. Namun aku sedar, pilihan aku tidak terhad pada dua pilihan ini sahaja. Masih banyak pilihan yang ada. Apa pun pilihan aku, setiap daripadanya ada harga yang perlu dibayar. Again, I need to choose what works for me.
Hari ini, aku di sini melakar satu lagi warna pada kanvas kehidupan. Rajuk masih bersisa. Hati masih terusik. Tetapi rasa itu kubiar sepi kerana tidak ada yang mengerti. Sampai masanya, rajuk dan hati ini akan terubat sendiri. Perjalanan hidup perlu diteruskan dan masih banyak impian yang menunggu masa untuk direalisasikan…

Friday, July 10, 2009

Value Who You Have In Your Life

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY,
THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT;
AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT,
BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND,

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE...

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH.

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE"

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM,
"AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"

THE FRIEND REPLIED
"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND,
WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT"

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND
AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE
TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THEN,
AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.

TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!

DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE,
BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I'm Drained...

Suddenly, I feel totally drained. Emotionally and physically. ‘Bad’ news is in the air. I need a friend. I feel like talking to someone. Just a talk in whatever way. I’ve no intention to tell a victim story. But everybody seems very busy. No call answered. No text replied. No online message responded. I went to the wrong person at the wrong time? I used the wrong words? Only certain matter can be entertained but not a personal one? All right, then. Let it be. Again, this is life. You can always be there for someone but there is no guarantee someone is always there for you, although for a very simple reason. Who really cares? Life must go on, anyway…

Monday, June 29, 2009

On The Graduation Day...

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.



The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” ~Mitch Albom~

Sunday, June 28, 2009

You Are Not Alone



Few hours ago my buddy text me and she said something that made me feel I'm alone in this world because I chose not to continue the training (regardless what had happened). But the feeling faded away in a moment. I may not experience what she experienced but until now I still can remember the experience I experienced 2 years ago. It may not as great and superb as I may experience in the real training but it mean a lot to me. I know how much it mean to me and how much it change my perspectives and angles of life. My 'trainer' said Module 2 a.k.a LEC a.k.a Advanced Coursed is to be experienced only once. And maybe this is one of the reason why I'm 'prohibit' to experience it again although with the different trainer and the different people :-) I don't know. It just maybe. Maybe one day I'm able to make it if I want. Well, the value cannot be created if everything just happen in the training room. What more important to me is to apply what I've learned in the training into my life. Part of it, committed, responsible, authentic, contribute. Do what works for me and do something different. Time flies and I can't just wait things to happen. I'm the one who makes it happen. Go and work for it! I know I'm not alone in getting what I want and I'm not alone in achieving my dreams because there is someone out there who share the same vision and share the same dreams. There is someone out there who is willing to love, to care and to support me. I believe that I'm not alone. Yeah...I'm not alone. And I wish everyone in this world feel the same.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I Just Wanna Live While I'm Alive...

because it's MY LIFE! I may stop the journey of the program right here but the journey of my life will continue till my last breath. I've think about it and I know there's a reason why all this happened. Yeah...I feel upset for not able to continue the journey in MA130. I take the training as a 'pit stop' to look at and into myself before I keep moving. I got the best support to continue the training but what more important is me, MYSELF. Do I really want it and why I want it? Acceptance? Recognition? It works for other people and it works for me? To be in the team? The answer is in me. I know what's going on inside me and I'm responsible for taking care of my well being. I know this is not the only 'pit stop' and I can choose another 'pit stop' as long as I'm aware of the need of it. Stop. Choose. Vote. Move. I'm in control of my life and I'm responsible for my own life. I believe that I'm here to live life to the fullest and to be in contribution in whatever way I can. I thank you for all the cares and supports. I love you...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

One of the Song...



One of the song that caught my ears during MB129...

Honesty (O.A Billy Joel)

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothing while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the only one that I depend on

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

Monday, June 8, 2009

I'll Move On...I'll Go On...



Lately I've been busy juggling between teaching, marking, writing, editing and proofreading. Also 'nursing' and sharing. What a challenge! Praise to God coz I managed to handle them well and I still have time for myself and other people though. Yeah... Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
Meanwhile, I'm wondering why should they keep something from me with the reason not to trouble me. But in the end they blame me for not understand them. In another word they are asking who am I to them. That is why sometimes I feel unwanted. Sometimes a small matter could hurt me damn much. A silence could make me cry all night. Most of the time I try not to say anything and just go with the flow. Only God knows what is in my heart. Nothing can stop me from living, anyway. I'll move on...I'll go on till my last breath.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

No Boundaries


Seconds hours so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you've lost your way
What if my chances were already gone
I started believing that I could be wrong
But you gave me one good reason
To fight and never walk away
So here I am still holding on

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going no where
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

I fought to the limit you stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets
Don't know where the future's headed
Nothing's gonna bring me down
Jumped every bridge I've run every line
I risk being safe, I always knew why
I always knew why
So here I am still holding on

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going no where
Just when you almost gave up all your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher
You can go deeper
There are no boundaries
Above and beneath you
Break every rule cause there's nothing between you and your dreams

Saturday, June 6, 2009

That's What Friends Are For


And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me,
And now there's so much more I see
And so, by the way, I thank you
And then, for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and love
With the words that's coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Oh, keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Oh, keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, oh for sure
Cause I tell you
That's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

For sure,
I won't leave for sure
That's what friends are for

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ikhlas & Redha




Ya, Allah… ikhlaskanlah hatiku untuk redha dan menghalalkan setiap apa yang diambil dan hilang tanpa izin dan kerelaanku. Sesungguhnya, setiap apa yang ada padaku adalah pemberian-Mu, anugerah-Mu dan milik-Mu.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Mengertilah

Aku sudah jarang sekali menyebut dan bercerita tentang sesuatu yang menyakitkan, namun aku masih menahan hiba dalam diam, menangis keseorangan.
Luahan ini bukan mencari kesilapan, bukan juga meminta belaian.
Cuma kadang kala aku merasa dipinggirkan. Ibarat hidup aku bagai tak punya erti melainkan tatkala aku diperlukan.
Tuhan…betapa aku rasa kehilangan.
Betapa aku menyedari mahalnya harga secebis ingatan, mahalnya harga satu pertanyaan.
Lalu, aku mencari ketenangan berteleku di perkuburan yang sekian lama aku tinggalkan.
Aku bukan sekadar ada hidup yang aku teruskan untuk mencari dan mencapai apa yang aku mahukan. Aku juga punya hati dan perasaan.
Aku bukan sekadar ada telinga dan bahu untuk dipinjamkan. Aku juga mahu disayangi dan diberi perhatian.
Meskipun aku tabah menghadapi ujian dan cabaran, namun aku juga perlu kekuatan dan sokongan untuk mengharungi kehidupan.
Aku bukan sekadar memohon dari-Mu, Tuhan
Tapi aku juga mohon pengertian...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Ada Yang Hilang...

Ada yang hilang dalam diriku...




CINTA...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Feeling The Hurt But I Iove You, Anyway...




Points of View

Look, it's happened once again
It happens every now and then
Feeling the hurt and hating all the men
Ready to stop it all

That's when I need a friendly face
To see me through these lonely days
Just to put some sunshine in my place
Don't take too long I need you

Here I am
I haven't gone that far away
And since I am
That kind of friend you know
Would stay with you through all the pain
Never to leave you in the rain
Ready to listen to what you've been through
Your woes and blues and share each other's...

Points of view
We've been there once before
And kept our points of view
It doesn't really matter if they're never quite the same
We have our rules in different ways
We play the games of different folks with different strokes
And keep our points of view

See the world seems bright again
It only darkens now and then
Most of the time there's just no telling when
Look up and see you've got me

Here we are
We may have gone our different ways
But since we are
The kind of friends who'll always stay
No matter what the pain
Learning to love that cap o rain
Ready to say we're here to stay in every way
Although we've got our different...

Points of view
We've been there once before
And kept our points of view
It doesn't really matter if they're never quite the same
We have our rules in different ways
We play the games of different folks with different strokes
And keep our points of view

Points of view
We've been there once before
And kept our points of view
It doesn't really matter if they're never quite the same
We have our rules in different ways
We play the games of different folks with different strokes
And keep our points of view

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Remember Me This Way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ziy0UHEM0_I&feature=related

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
Hmmm...this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more apart of time, you're everywhere
I'll always care

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Waiting...























Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count. Everything comes too late for those who only wait. Don't wait. The time will never be just right.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Even The Strongest May Falter...

I’m having a bad day? Nope! Just a ‘cloudy and rainy’ day maybe. Last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I was down and blue. Tears seems can’t stop falling. I was weak and I was ‘put to sleep’ for 8 hours during the ‘battle’. Right after the ‘battle’, I insisted to go home as I hoped to see someone. Yeah…it was done at last. I think I’m OK but not really. Despite the ‘shot’ from the ‘battle’, I feel another pain inside me. And I know it well. It will take me no where but it hurts and kills me softly.
Some times even the strongest may falter. Some times, I know I can’t stand it alone. But is there anyone who willing to listen to me without saying I’m telling a victim story? Is there anyone who can accept me as a normal human being that needs love and care without thinking I’m seeking attentions. Is there anyone who wants to be with me when I really need someone badly? If there is no one, please God... grant me with strength to be strong for I know You always listen to me, You love me and You always there for me.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

At 3 In The Morning...

Tomorrow (today actually) I'll face another 'battle'. I'm full of fears but to whom can I express how I feel. I can only wandering through the night with tears streaming down my face. At this time I really miss him. He used to be by my side when I needed someone badly. But now I'm all alone. It been worst lately and I feel like I can't go on anymore. It really hard to pretend that everything is OK. Life seems unfair to me. This is life, anyway. But there is one word that frees me from the weight and pain; LOVE. Most of the time I feel tired of asking for it didn't happen even for a simplest one. But one thing for sure, I got the strength to continue on with my life by giving not asking.

When things do not appear to change
And hope seems hard to find,
Just close your eyes and remember
To take one day at a time.
And then you'll see how things
Change for the best.
All you need to do is your part,
And HE shall do the rest.

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Cant see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head saying,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on
Cause...

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dear God...

It's been a while since I last wrote about my life journey. And all that while I've been keeping so much to myself. Less feeling. Little tears.
Now, I feel like a fool. Really hurt. Really feel unwanted.
Dear God...please give me strength to continue my life journey with love and care for the people.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm Missing You




There's a feeling inside
Melting and hurting
I break down and cry
Because I'm missing you
In the middle of the night
I feel lost without you
Because I'm missing you

May Allah bless your soul...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Secret of My Heart



Don't know why, I keep listening to this instrumental again and again for the past few days. And I'm overwhelm with memories. How I miss them so much. God, please bless them wherever they are and whatever they do. I love you folks...

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Thank God I Found You

I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I've finally found unvarnished truth
I was all by myself for the longest time
So cold inside
And the hurt from the heartache would not subside
I felt like dying
Until you saved my life

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby I'm so thankful
I found you

I would give you everything
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do
To ensure your happiness
I'll cherish every part of you
Because without you beside me I can't survive
I don't wanna try
If you're keeping me warm each and every night
I'll be all right
Cause I need you in my life

Thank God I found you (I'm begging you)
I was lost without you (so lost without you)
My every wish and every dream (every dream, every dream)
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight (brought the sunlight)
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby I'm so thankful
I found you

See I was so desolate
Before you came to me
Looking back I guess it shows
that we were destined to shine
After the rain to appreciate
And care for what we have
And I'd go through it all over again
To be able to feel this way

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you (lost without you baby)
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life (whole life)
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Sweet baby I'm so thankful
I found you

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby I'm so thankful
I found you

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
My baby I'm so thankful I found you

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Sail Our Life Journey To Happy Destiny



If I could bring back the hours
of my long life,
feeling again my happy days,
I would live them,
pleased, pleased with your affection
and tenderness and love.
Happy destiny.
I learned all these years,
during much time
and through many situations,
that I didn’t know before.
The hours come in lessons
and it’s better to know
for me and for you.
The hours dream in beautiful colors,
a good life for my love,
for our love.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow,
always!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Why Don’t We Take Life as Completing Each Other Instead of Competing Each Other

Why must I listen to this sort of talking? Why care about my PV and where does my money goes? Yeark…I hate this. But this is life, anyway. Let it be.
Aku dah penat nak cakap benda yang sama. Faham atau tak faham, terpulanglah. Aku hanya tahu tentang hidup aku. Tentang hidup orang lain aku hanya tahu apa yang diberitahu dan dari apa yang aku lihat. Mungkin apa yang aku tahu dan aku lihat itu bukan hidup mereka yang sebenarnya. Well, that is their life, not mine.
Dari dulu lagi, aku suka mengatakan hidup manusia ini saling melengkapi. Saling melengkapi tidak bermaksud sempurna tetapi mampu mengubah dunia kalau kena caranya. Ada beberapa perkara yang boleh dicari persamaannya untuk menjadikannya sempurna tetapi aku percaya keunikan dan perbezaanlah yang sebenarnya saling melengkapi untuk menjadikannya sempurna. Sempurna dalam erti kata saling melengkapi. Kalau dicari kesempurnaan yang total tentu tak akan ditemui. Hanya Dia Yang Maha Sempurna.

Hidup ini semakin indah sekiranya kita saling melengkapi bukannya saling mengatasi. Hidup ini besar ertinya sekiranya kita benar-benar bertanggungjawab terhadap hidup kita. Hidup ini bukan untuk disia-siakan. Justeru…

Aku mahu terus menyayangi walaupun dibenci.
Aku mahu terus mengasihi walaupun dicaci maki.
Aku mahu terus mengambil berat walaupun tak dipeduli.
Aku mahu terus senyum dan ketawa walaupun masih ada duka tersembunyi.
Aku mahu teruskan hidup walaupun mati itu pasti.
Kenapa berhenti menyayangi hanya kerana seorang manusia yang tamak dan dengki?
Kenapa berhenti mengasihi hanya kerana seorang manusia yang tidak boleh dipercayai?
Kenapa berhenti mengambil berat hanya kerana seorang manusia yang tidak tahu menghargai?
Kenapa berhenti senyum dan ketawa hanya kerana seorang manusia yang dalam hatinya penuh keji?
Kenapa berhenti hidup sebelum sampai waktu yang dijanji?

Tuhan…aku mohon agar hati ini sentiasa dipenuhi kasih dan sayang…

Friday, April 3, 2009

Take My Heart






















I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Broken Trust



Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.