I Want It To Be You

I'm Being Resistant?

“Why are you being resistant?”

Aku bingung seketika.

“You don’t know how to appreciate people when they are trying to help you.”

Tidak susah untuk  mengetahui dari mana datangnya andaian itu. Mudahnya mereka menghukum. Perlukah aku ungkit cerita yang melukakan itu?  Cerita yang isinya adalah air mata yang aku simpan dan kulitnya aku lukiskan senyuman. Cerita yang menjadi punca aku berjauh hati dalam diam.

Mungkin dia terlupa untuk beralas semasa mengatur kata. Mungkin dia sekadar terlepas bicara dan tiada niat pun untuk melukakan hati ini. Namun apakan daya, kerana kata-kata itu aku meminta diri lebih awal dan menangis sepanjang perjalanan pulang.

Katakanlah apa-apa saja yang kalian mahu. Aku menjauh kerana tidak mahu terus terluka. 

Pre-treatment and Post-treatment

Many people knew I undergo treatments. Never ending treatments I can say. Just that they didn’t know what I actually undergo. It’s not really about what goes into my body but it’s more about having the strength to go through. When I first went through it, it was really hard. Being alone made me suffered and it was really pain inside me. I cried all the way. But now, I already used to it. When I had something on after the treatment I would ask for a small dose so I can control the ‘effects’. If not I will just bear with them – down with fever, dizzy and vomiting. Since it was never easy to get help and support so I make sure I have everything ready at home. People have their own life and not many (read: nobody) willing to come and lend me a hand. It was always my bad asking for help from a wrong person at the wrong time. At times I really need someone to comfort me when I’m feeling weak. But many of my so called friends ignored me when I told them I’m going through treatment. So what? To them maybe it’s my routine and nothing they can say or do for me. I expect nothing from them, anyway. I choose to be there whenever they need me and I’m willing to give whatever they ask from me. I understand very well that I may get nothing in return even though deep from my heart I hope to hear from them, at least.

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InsyaAllah

...

Tiba-tiba langkahku terhenti
Sejuta tangan menahanku
Ingin kulari, mereka berkata
Tak perlu kau berlari
Mengejar impian tak pasti
Hari ini juga mimpi
Maka biarkan ia datang
Di hatimu...

Keep Out of My Way!

Revitalization

I just wish to have this place and space to be in contribution even though I may not enroll anyone to be there. May I? I don't know. I'll ask and get the answer. Soon, if I have the chance to ask.
For years it has been my wonderful, enjoyable, experiential and meaningful moments besides my great times with the needy. Most of the times, I've paid it with risking my life. But it worth. What I went through may insufficient to some people because what most important is the enrollment. Not just be part of it.
Sometimes, it hurt me deeply when no one want to understand how important it is to me from the different angle. I just can't make people understand that I do not want anything else. Just an opportunity to be in contribution. Maybe they can't see the significance because maybe they think of something bigger on how to support me. Maybe something this simple never comes across their mind. Though it is simple, for sure, I never want to take anyone or anything for granted since I know this is part of something big and important for them to achieve their dreams. I respect them, their choices and I always pray for their success.
But I know it doesn't belong to me. If I want it, I need to create it. I did it, anyway. In my own way. I'm just asking for an open door to be in contribution, when I still can make it.
By right, I know I should have to pay for the chances given with 'enrollment'. I never deny it and I'm willing to work for it. But I just want to reveal the meaning of "revitalization" from my angle. It is about how I can put a new strength or power into me. It is about what works for me. It is about what can heals me. Mind to lend a hand, anyone?