I'm Existing Not Living...

Days went when I felt so happy and content, and confident that my life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and I would feel sadness setting in again. There were my happy days when I would walk around with a smile on my face. Then I would fall into days of deep dark depression. Then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears again. It is a tiring process and most of the time I couldn’t bother battling with my mind. It is far stronger than my body.
I never seem truly happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused me to laugh so hard my stomach pained me and my jaw ached. I miss going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind. I miss enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something I had to endure in order to stay alive. I miss enjoying reading my favorite books instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. I hate feeling that I had no reason to wake up and I hate the feeling I had when I wake up. I hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to. I miss the feeling of being loved, being cared and being supported. I miss so many people and so many things.
I know life will never be the same again. I’m doing what I want but I just seem to be passing time and no life in it. I'm existing not living. I feel so tired. I feel like I’m loosing my strength & I’m all alone on the wrong path.

Go With The Flow....

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our minds exactly what we want our hearts to feel. We just have to go with the flow and enjoy life.

In The Name of HOPE...

Relapse? Remission?
Not much different anyway. After all I couldn’t share anything about it with anyone. It’s been quite a while since I learned not to depend and rely on anybody when come to this matter. Although I wanna talk about it just to release but not a single person willing to listen. No one willing to listen what else to share the feelings. Not anybody’s fault as I understand this is my life and everyone seems to engage with their own life. Why they wanna burden themselves with other people’s problem. Let alone wanna support the dying me? I doubt it. 
I’m looking forward (very much indeed) for this weekend. It just a short break but it means very much for me at this condition and stage. I just can’t explain the joyous and in some way it heals me. I don’t wanna expect much or ask much but this seems enough for me. Be there. That’s it. Anyway, I don’t know if the people around me can understand that. Let it be. I just wanna be there & enjoy every single moment. Yeah…I have my own so called revitalization but to me this is something different. Be in contribution and support people in any way I can, even they don’t need my contribution at all. I just need a space, a chance & a hope to do something that works for me, internally.

I Wonder

I wonder why the grass is green
And why to each other we’re often mean?
Who taught us how to curse and hate?
And lead us to betray our faith?

Why can’t we learn to live and love?
And give all praises to Him above
Why must we strive to put others down?
Why not wear a smile instead of a frown.

Must we forever devise new ways?
To hurt each other instead of praise?
For aren’t we all the same in His sight
Don’t we all rise in the morn and sleep at night?

For who amongst us has not shed a tear
Or hurt by another who never seemed to care.
And which of us has not done the same
To hurt another or caused some shame.

When shall we learn to let go of the past
And live each day like it’s our very last?
Which will you be, an foe or a friend?
Would you still hate today, if this was your end?

Don’t we yet know that it clouds our fate
When we ignore love and foster hate.
When hate fills your heart, it makes you blue,
For the person most hurt will always be you.

Lets rise each morning, smile and say
“Thank you God, for yet another day”
“Thanks for Your love and tender care
And give me more love in my heart to share.

Be Happy...Now!

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Alfred D Souza said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.