I'm Existing Not Living...

Days went when I felt so happy and content, and confident that my life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and I would feel sadness setting in again. There were my happy days when I would walk around with a smile on my face. Then I would fall into days of deep dark depression. Then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears again. It is a tiring process and most of the time I couldn’t bother battling with my mind. It is far stronger than my body.
I never seem truly happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused me to laugh so hard my stomach pained me and my jaw ached. I miss going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind. I miss enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something I had to endure in order to stay alive. I miss enjoying reading my favorite books instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. I hate feeling that I had no reason to wake up and I hate the feeling I had when I wake up. I hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to. I miss the feeling of being loved, being cared and being supported. I miss so many people and so many things.
I know life will never be the same again. I’m doing what I want but I just seem to be passing time and no life in it. I'm existing not living. I feel so tired. I feel like I’m loosing my strength & I’m all alone on the wrong path.

Go With The Flow....

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our minds exactly what we want our hearts to feel. We just have to go with the flow and enjoy life.

In The Name of HOPE...

Relapse? Remission?
Not much different anyway. After all I couldn’t share anything about it with anyone. It’s been quite a while since I learned not to depend and rely on anybody when come to this matter. Although I wanna talk about it just to release but not a single person willing to listen. No one willing to listen what else to share the feelings. Not anybody’s fault as I understand this is my life and everyone seems to engage with their own life. Why they wanna burden themselves with other people’s problem. Let alone wanna support the dying me? I doubt it. 
I’m looking forward (very much indeed) for this weekend. It just a short break but it means very much for me at this condition and stage. I just can’t explain the joyous and in some way it heals me. I don’t wanna expect much or ask much but this seems enough for me. Be there. That’s it. Anyway, I don’t know if the people around me can understand that. Let it be. I just wanna be there & enjoy every single moment. Yeah…I have my own so called revitalization but to me this is something different. Be in contribution and support people in any way I can, even they don’t need my contribution at all. I just need a space, a chance & a hope to do something that works for me, internally.

I Wonder

I wonder why the grass is green
And why to each other we’re often mean?
Who taught us how to curse and hate?
And lead us to betray our faith?

Why can’t we learn to live and love?
And give all praises to Him above
Why must we strive to put others down?
Why not wear a smile instead of a frown.

Must we forever devise new ways?
To hurt each other instead of praise?
For aren’t we all the same in His sight
Don’t we all rise in the morn and sleep at night?

For who amongst us has not shed a tear
Or hurt by another who never seemed to care.
And which of us has not done the same
To hurt another or caused some shame.

When shall we learn to let go of the past
And live each day like it’s our very last?
Which will you be, an foe or a friend?
Would you still hate today, if this was your end?

Don’t we yet know that it clouds our fate
When we ignore love and foster hate.
When hate fills your heart, it makes you blue,
For the person most hurt will always be you.

Lets rise each morning, smile and say
“Thank you God, for yet another day”
“Thanks for Your love and tender care
And give me more love in my heart to share.

Be Happy...Now!

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Alfred D Souza said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

The Best Day

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.

I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

I Love You As You Are

I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world.

I honor your choices to learn in the way you feel is right for you.

I know it is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you "should" be. I realize that I cannot know what is best for you, although perhaps sometimes I think I do.

I have not been where you have been, viewing life from the angle you have. I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.

I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do. In this place where I am, I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment. I make no judgment of this, for if I would deny your right to your evolution, then I would deny that right for myself and all others.

To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me, for all creation. As I love you, so I shall be loved. As I sow, so shall I reap.

I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit awhile if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment that these steps are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I may see you do nothing and judge it to be unworthy and yet it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God. I cannot always see the higher picture of God's Plan.

For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization that the way I see as best for me does not have to mean it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am, following the inner excitement to know your own path.

I know that the many beliefs within our world bring us great richness and allow us the benefit. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need only be one person.

I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly you...

I live my life being the best me I can, becoming wiser, becoming happier in the joy of ...unconditional love.

A note...

You and I are in a relationship, which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with unique needs and the right to meet those needs.

When you are having problems meeting your needs I will listen with genuine acceptance so as to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine. I also will respect your right to choose your own beliefs and develop your own values, different though they may be from mine.

However, when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can change my behavior.

At those times when one of us cannot change to meet the other's needs, let us acknowledge that we have a conflict and commit ourselves to resolve each such conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine - neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.

To Let Go

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that
I must not control another.

To 'let go' is not to fix;
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle
arranging all the outcomes;
but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past;
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less
and love more.

Please Listen...

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen!
All I ask is that you listen.
Don't talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap - 20 cents will get you both
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince you
and get about this business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense
when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works - sometimes -
for some people, because God is mute.
and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn,
and I will listen to you.

My Paint Brush

Its been a while since the last time I wrote something here. But I hope to keep writing & keep my paint brush with me...


I keep my paint brush with me
wherever I may go,
in case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,
afraid of what you'll do,
that you may laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
to show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold.
And if you still love me with all that you see,
you are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
and hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
in case somebody doesn't understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
and thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

8 years...

8 years ago, I thought I would never make it without you. Alhamdulillah, I make it but look like it’s all coming back to me. Whatever it is, I have to move on. I have to continue breathing.

You know what I really miss about you?

I miss your smiles…

I miss your magic words…

I miss your kisses on my cheek…

I miss your hugs that eased my pain…

I miss your cuddle that brought me to sleep…

I miss everything about you.

I miss you very much abang…

Mohd Zulfahmy Iskandar Mustafa

(15 May 1967 – 21 March 2002)

Al-Fatihah.

** You have the fear, fear of the day that you will lose me from your life. Maybe the day will come. You told me before, how much I had sacrifice for other people, how much I had contribute to others and how much love I had in me. Moment pass. Now, I don’t have anything left to sacrifice and I have less to contribute. But I still have much love in me.