Black Sheep

The best thing about being the black sheep is when you always think about others but others forget about you and hey you still end up being the bad person.

Hahaha

Masuk office awal-awal pagi dah ada hiburan.

“Akk x join dot dot dot wat fx ker? Ker akk x der wit byk cam dot dot dot n da x mewah cam dulu2 huhuhu.”

Hahaha…memang aku tak banyak duit. Ada pun setakat cukup-cukup nak hidup. Hidup mewah tak termasuk dalam wish list dan sejak dulu tak pernah hidup mewah pun. Biarlah hidup sederhana asalkan semuanya berkat. Jangan sesekali ambil sesuatu yang bukan hak kita dan berikan hak kepada yang berhak. InsyaAllah rezeki tidak putus.

Ramai yang sering melupakan hak orang lain terutamanya dalam bab berhutang. Apabila ditimpa kesusahan kita tidak segan silu meminta. Namun apabila tiba masa membayarnya kita tidak ada rasa malu apabila tidak berbuat demikian. Pelbagai alasan diberi malah ada yang menghilangkan diri. Pada masa ini, kita jadi manusia yang mementingkan diri sendiri. Kita hanya memikirkan cara untuk meneruskan kehidupan kita dan melupakan mereka yang pernah membantu kita sebelum ini. Apabila semua keperluan sudah dipenuhi tidak salah jika mahu memuaskan kehendak pula. Tapi fikirkanlah, yang mana lebih penting antara memuaskan kehendak atau membayar hutang? Hutang wajib dibayar walaupun tidak dituntut. Malah adalah lebih afdal melangsaikan hutang peribadi terlebih dahulu berbanding dengan menggunakan wang yang ada sebagai modal perniagaan (yang tujuannya adalah untuk menggandakan wang demi membayar hutang). [https://www.facebook.com/ezazwealth/posts/624240170948779] Kalau separuh-separuh macam mana? Separuh untuk bayar hutang separuh lagi untuk modal berniaga. Elok juga tapi janganlah sampai nisbahnya 10:90 sehingga mengambil masa yang terlalu lama untuk melangsaikan hutang. Namun semuanya bergantung pada individu bagaimana menguruskan kewangan masing-masing. Aku bukan expert. Nanti ada yang salah faham entry ini ialah entry ‘sumpah aku tau’ atau entry minta hutang. J

Berbalik kepada pertanyaan di atas, adalah lebih baik untuk tidak menjawabnya. Yang pastinya itu bukan soal perlu ada duit banyak atau tidak. Bak kata kawan aku yang sudah dikira otai – Small capital with a continuous perfect entry is just nice & a good beginning. Kalau tak faham apa aku merapu ni, pergi lah belajar. J

Itu cerita pasal duit. Aku juga rasa terpanggil untuk menyentuh tentang satu lagi aset tapi aset ini tidak boleh diperdagangkan. Aset yang bernama MASA. Time is a rare luxury which can never be purchased at any cost. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Because when you give your time, you are giving a portion of your life that you will never get back. Aku tak punya banyak duit atau harta untuk dikongsi dengan manusia di luar sana tetapi aku ada masa. Aku cuba pastikan aku dapat meluangkan masa untuk sesiapa sahaja yang memerlukan atau yang meminta. Tapi aku jarang-jarang membuang masa untuk manusia sengal yang lifeless. J  Kadang-kadang aku terasa hati apabila ada yang memberikan alasan sibuk dan tiada masa apabila aku memerlukan mereka. Disebabkan mereka sibuk, aku jadi takut untuk membazirkan masa mereka sedangkan mereka tidak pernah rasa bersalah mengambil masa aku. I always there for them. Hei, kawan! Sibukkah kamu sehingga tiada masa bertanya khabar tetapi setiap 10 minit memuat naik gambar di Instagram. Sibukkah kamu mengejar ‘deadline’ kerja walhal setiap jam pasti ternampak kelibat kamu di FB menerusi ‘comment’ & ‘like’. To me there is no such thing like busy. It’s all about priorities. You are not busy but your priorities are something or someone else. If you care you will make time and busy is not a word to be used at any time.

Masa sibukku sudah tamat. Let’s go home! J

What A Journey It Has Been

And I Live One More Day

Pelangi Tanjung Balau

Mostly What I Need From You...

My Life Begins...Today?

Klebang Beach Resort

I Want It To Be You

I'm Being Resistant?

“Why are you being resistant?”

Aku bingung seketika.

“You don’t know how to appreciate people when they are trying to help you.”

Tidak susah untuk  mengetahui dari mana datangnya andaian itu. Mudahnya mereka menghukum. Perlukah aku ungkit cerita yang melukakan itu?  Cerita yang isinya adalah air mata yang aku simpan dan kulitnya aku lukiskan senyuman. Cerita yang menjadi punca aku berjauh hati dalam diam.

Mungkin dia terlupa untuk beralas semasa mengatur kata. Mungkin dia sekadar terlepas bicara dan tiada niat pun untuk melukakan hati ini. Namun apakan daya, kerana kata-kata itu aku meminta diri lebih awal dan menangis sepanjang perjalanan pulang.

Katakanlah apa-apa saja yang kalian mahu. Aku menjauh kerana tidak mahu terus terluka. 

Pre-treatment and Post-treatment

Many people knew I undergo treatments. Never ending treatments I can say. Just that they didn’t know what I actually undergo. It’s not really about what goes into my body but it’s more about having the strength to go through. When I first went through it, it was really hard. Being alone made me suffered and it was really pain inside me. I cried all the way. But now, I already used to it. When I had something on after the treatment I would ask for a small dose so I can control the ‘effects’. If not I will just bear with them – down with fever, dizzy and vomiting. Since it was never easy to get help and support so I make sure I have everything ready at home. People have their own life and not many (read: nobody) willing to come and lend me a hand. It was always my bad asking for help from a wrong person at the wrong time. At times I really need someone to comfort me when I’m feeling weak. But many of my so called friends ignored me when I told them I’m going through treatment. So what? To them maybe it’s my routine and nothing they can say or do for me. I expect nothing from them, anyway. I choose to be there whenever they need me and I’m willing to give whatever they ask from me. I understand very well that I may get nothing in return even though deep from my heart I hope to hear from them, at least.

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InsyaAllah

...

Tiba-tiba langkahku terhenti
Sejuta tangan menahanku
Ingin kulari, mereka berkata
Tak perlu kau berlari
Mengejar impian tak pasti
Hari ini juga mimpi
Maka biarkan ia datang
Di hatimu...

Keep Out of My Way!

Revitalization

I just wish to have this place and space to be in contribution even though I may not enroll anyone to be there. May I? I don't know. I'll ask and get the answer. Soon, if I have the chance to ask.
For years it has been my wonderful, enjoyable, experiential and meaningful moments besides my great times with the needy. Most of the times, I've paid it with risking my life. But it worth. What I went through may insufficient to some people because what most important is the enrollment. Not just be part of it.
Sometimes, it hurt me deeply when no one want to understand how important it is to me from the different angle. I just can't make people understand that I do not want anything else. Just an opportunity to be in contribution. Maybe they can't see the significance because maybe they think of something bigger on how to support me. Maybe something this simple never comes across their mind. Though it is simple, for sure, I never want to take anyone or anything for granted since I know this is part of something big and important for them to achieve their dreams. I respect them, their choices and I always pray for their success.
But I know it doesn't belong to me. If I want it, I need to create it. I did it, anyway. In my own way. I'm just asking for an open door to be in contribution, when I still can make it.
By right, I know I should have to pay for the chances given with 'enrollment'. I never deny it and I'm willing to work for it. But I just want to reveal the meaning of "revitalization" from my angle. It is about how I can put a new strength or power into me. It is about what works for me. It is about what can heals me. Mind to lend a hand, anyone?

Hmmm...

Untuk Apa Bertanya Lagi...?

Syhhhh...

No Pretending

Sedetik Lebih

Setiap nafas yang dihembus
Setiap degupan jantung
Aku selalu memikirkanmu

Dalam sedar dibuai angan
Dalam tidur dan khayalan
Aku selalu memikirkanmu

Ternyata ku perlukan cinta dari dirimu sayang
Barulah terasa ku bernyawa

Kasihku…ku amat mencintai kamu
Kerana kau beri erti hidup
Ku kan terus mencinta sedetik lebih selepas selamanya

Di kala penuh ketakutan dengan badai kehidupan
Ku bersyukur adanya kamu

Biarlah kehilangan semua yang dimiliki di dunia
Asal masih adanya kamu

I'm Existing Not Living...

Days went when I felt so happy and content, and confident that my life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and I would feel sadness setting in again. There were my happy days when I would walk around with a smile on my face. Then I would fall into days of deep dark depression. Then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears again. It is a tiring process and most of the time I couldn’t bother battling with my mind. It is far stronger than my body.
I never seem truly happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused me to laugh so hard my stomach pained me and my jaw ached. I miss going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind. I miss enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something I had to endure in order to stay alive. I miss enjoying reading my favorite books instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. I hate feeling that I had no reason to wake up and I hate the feeling I had when I wake up. I hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to. I miss the feeling of being loved, being cared and being supported. I miss so many people and so many things.
I know life will never be the same again. I’m doing what I want but I just seem to be passing time and no life in it. I'm existing not living. I feel so tired. I feel like I’m loosing my strength & I’m all alone on the wrong path.

Go With The Flow....

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our minds exactly what we want our hearts to feel. We just have to go with the flow and enjoy life.